Neuroplasticity: Our Brains Are Like Clay
It turns out I have a lot to say about families…
And it appears that you – my audience – like to hear what I have to say about them as well. I received so many comments after my last blog about your own families of origin, their impact (good and not-so-good) on who you are as humans, and the ways in which you come to grips with family legacy and perhaps a different future that you’d like to create.
Last week was my sister’s birthday. I offered to take her away for the weekend, not just to chill and relax and celebrate, but also to do some deep work on our family of origin stories. So, quick digression here…
My Side Gig as a Copywriter
In addition to being a doula trainer, business and marketing coach, and grandma to thousands, I also have a side gig as a copywriter for a company that creates continuing education for psychotherapists. I write the sales page and emails for each course launch, and in preparation for doing that, I interview the presenters, review their body of work, and become versed in their modality. Learning cool stuff is a great side benefit of being a copywriter!
One of our upcoming presenters, Dr. Tian Dayton, is an expert on psychodrama and sociometrics, which are therapeutic modalities that use specific exercises to mine one’s current self for experiences from the past that hold particular meaning – usually in the context of a negative incident or trauma. Then there are additional exercises that work with those experiences, such as mapping out the players in a situation, using role play or dialog between the adult and child self to “re-do” the experience, or letter writing to be able to express now what wasn’t possible then.
As I was reading Tian’s book, Sociometrics: Embodied, Experiential Processes for Relational Trauma Repair, I was really drawn to her exercises. They were simple, approachable, and – to me at least – looked fun! And that’s when I invited my sister to go away for the weekend to do some of these exercises. So back to last weekend…
Time With My Sis
My sister and I did a few of the exercises to map out the breadth of our lives. We identified current behavior patterns, completed a timeline of significant events throughout our lives, mapped out our primary influences – both people and entities like school or workplace or communities – and did a few role-plays of situations that have plagued us for years.
In these role plays, you get to choose if you want to be yourself or the antagonist. We did a little of both.
No matter the situation, or the role we played, it was transformative to get a “re-do.”
In some cases, the re-do surfaced tears and relief from years of carrying around a traumatic story. In other cases, it was simply the satisfaction of finally saying what we wished we could have said in the moment.
What struck me the most was how simple and effective these exercises were.
Everyone should have access to them (you do: buy her books here). Why aren’t these common skills for how to be healthier people? Why don’t we learn these skills in school, work, or in our families?
Learning About Different Approaches to Therapy
In the process of learning about different approaches to therapy, I’ve picked up some knowledge of the neuroscience behind why these things work.
I’ve learned about our inner parts and how they strive to keep us safe and protected from life’s challenges.
I understand how experiences reside in our body, though most attention is paid on how we remember them in our minds.
And now I get why painful childhood events can be harder to treat than adult traumas.
One of the coolest things I’ve seen is how difficult relationships with our parents can be healed through our relationships with our own kids.
But the most profound thing I’ve learned is that even the most wounded people can heal.
We do not need to be defined by our most painful experiences. We do not need to be stuck in an endless loop of remembering – or blocking out – the things that have hurt us the most. And we don’t have to navigate the world from a place of harm.
It turns out that we have something called neuroplasticity. That means that our nervous system, brains, patterns, beliefs – all the things that drive our thoughts and behaviors – are not rigid.
We do not have to repeat old ways that don’t serve us or others; our family patterns are not cast in stone.
But, we have to do a fair amount of work to change them.
Neuroplasticity and Clay
I think of the process as similar to working with clay. Clay is one of those substances that can change form based on its surroundings. In some states it is malleable and soft, smooth and luxurious. In other states it is hard, rough, and cutting. You must have the right conditions – or create them – to get it to do what you want it to.
If you want it to be pliable, you need to warm it up, infuse it with water, work it with your hands, get it to loosen up.
If you want it to be hard and rigid, you have to let it dry out. Blast it with heat to suck out all the water, or let it languish without moisture for years.
When I was a ceramic artist, one of my favorite things was to take a big block of dried out clay – something most people would look at and think was ruined and worthless – and soak it in a bucket of water. Within a day or two, its elasticity and vitality was restored.
I’d still have to put a lot of elbow grease into working the water into the inner parts of the clay. But once I did, I could make a work of art out of it.
Or I would take slurry – clay mixed with water until it has the consistency of thick cream – and pour it into a mold for a plate or bowl or picture frame. Within a day, the mold would absorb the excess water and I’d have a dry clay piece ready to paint or glaze before firing.
Similar to clay, we need to know how to help our brains and bodies be more malleable, or how to shore ourselves up to make us stand strong.
Because life requires both.
The state of the world is rife with trauma, grief, anger, and hatred. Ideally, we’d learn within our families how to navigate these painful parts of life. But instead, many people are buried alive with negativity in their family setting.
We all have the capacity to change our attitudes, views, values, and behaviors to be and do better in the world. To forge new family patterns, create new neural connections, and become stronger, healthier humans.
My mission as a doula, urban farmer, educator, mother, grandmother, and human being has always been to facilitate a better world of healthier and happier families with heart-centered human beings that create joyful lives.
Want to join me? Here are 3 small things you can do this week:
- Choose an old family trait that you’d like to change (remember, you can’t change others, but you can change how you’d like to do things differently).
- Tell a child how wonderful they are and that you love them (this is especially powerful if you aren’t their parent).
- Learn more about neuroplasticity and ways to heal trauma either within yourself or others.
Thanks for making this world a better place!
Note: For those of you who get my emails, you know this is a busy month of birthdays in my family. Last week was my sister’s, this week is my mom’s, and next week is the biggie…my son and three of my grandsons all within a few days of each other! I’m sure I’ll have another family-related story to share next week, so be sure to subscribe to this blog or get on my email list to get notifications. The links are below.
Also, if you are interested in working with families from the very start, and helping to influence the making of the best humans possible, the doors to my birth doula training are open! Check it out here.
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