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	<title>Parenthood &#8211; Carrie Kenner: Doula Trainer. Writing Coach. Sacred Feminine Guide.</title>
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	<title>Parenthood &#8211; Carrie Kenner: Doula Trainer. Writing Coach. Sacred Feminine Guide.</title>
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		<title>Teaching Hate is Child Abuse</title>
		<link>https://carriekenner.com/2024/07/29/child-abuse/</link>
					<comments>https://carriekenner.com/2024/07/29/child-abuse/#respond</comments>
		
		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Carrie Kenner]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Mon, 29 Jul 2024 19:54:18 +0000</pubDate>
				<category><![CDATA[Human nature]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Parenthood]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">https://carriekenner.com/?p=2058</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[How Children Learn to Hate Long before learning their ABCs, 1+1=2, and “Share your toys,” children learn how to be a human from the people around them. If we're not careful — or worse, if it's intentional — children also learn to hate. So let's call teaching hate what it is: child abuse. A couple&#8230;]]></description>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Long before learning their ABCs, 1+1=2, and “Share your toys,” children learn how to be a human from the people around them. If we're not careful — or worse, if it's intentional — children also learn to hate. So let's <strong>call teaching hate what it is: child abuse</strong>.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">A couple of months ago, I was writing a lot about how children learn — how we all learned as children to be in the world. (See my blog posts </span><a href="https://carriekenner.com/2023/11/12/how-we-learn-doula-training/"><span style="font-weight: 400;">How We Learn</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> and </span><a href="https://carriekenner.com/2023/12/04/families/"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Families: The Training Ground for Small Humans</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">.) </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We learn from our parents or our primary caregivers. We watch them closely, looking at their behaviors and words to figure out how to behave and what is right or correct.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We learn things like what foods are "normal," how people interact, and what is safe or not safe to do. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We absorb all these things primarily by watching, and then over time, we are told things explicitly. We also learn implicitly by watching others around us. It’s a complex, layered process of learning, happening mainly in the first couple of years of life.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Some kids are fortunate to see and experience love and caring and learn really positive things, while others see and experience horrendous things and learn hardness and fear. Either way, it shapes their worldview.</span></p>
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		<span class="fl-heading-text">It’s Unfair When Kids Have No Control</span>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Whether good or bad, these experiences imprint on kids how to be in the world, and they don’t have control over it.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">First of all, they don't have control over their environment and can’t choose what they see or experience.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">They also don't have control over how to think about things because they don't have rational thinking ability yet.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">They can't say, "Wait, I saw one thing and that disproves this other thing I saw." </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">That kind of thinking isn't developed in the brain yet until they are teens. (And then it’s still pretty rudimentary!)</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Children also are also at a huge disadvantage to making comparisons because they are unable to read nuance. While they are very watchful and </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">see</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> nuance, they don’t know how to interpret it.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So it’s important to understand that biologically and developmentally, children simply can’t process things the way adults do.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And even </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">if</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> they could make these discernments between what they are told and what they observe themselves, children are entirely dependent on others for care and are hard-wired to do whatever it takes to fit in, to not be ostracized, to belong.</span></p>
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		<span class="fl-heading-text">Teaching Hate: The Unseen Child Abuse</span>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Many forms of child abuse are obvious and unquestioned: Sexual assault, physical violence, emotional abuse where children are told they are stupid, bad, or worthless. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Each of these violates the physical space, holistic development, and innocence of children. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But there is another realm that is violated and rarely talked about: the pure hearts of children. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Children come into the world pure. I've seen hundreds of babies come into the world, and there isn't a lick of hatred in their bodies. They may not like being cold, being outside the womb, or being poked and prodded, but they don’t </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">hate</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> anything. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Babies react to discomfort purely from survival instincts, not from judgment or hate.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Their nervous system tells them if something hurts and they cry in response.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If they're feeling cold, their hard wiring says, "Being cold is not good for survival,” so...cry. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When they need energy, their belly cramps and they want to eat.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Their crying make it look like they’re pissed off and angry, but there's no judgment involved.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It’s all just survival wiring.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But when they learn that broccoli is yucky and </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">they haven't even tasted broccoli</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">, they are being conditioned — brainwashed — by somebody around them.</span></p>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As they grow, children learn many behaviors and ideas. Learning to dislike broccoli is unfortunate, but not harmful. However, when they are taught to dislike or hate other people, animals, or even insects, it becomes deeply problematic.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Most people don’t hate spiders or bees because of personal experience; fear of insects is often passed down as a behavior or belief. But if everyone goes around killing every insect they see in ignorance (versus personal experience or knowledge), these critters who are essential to our planet’s survival get annihilated. Not good!</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But let’s get back to my focus on hating </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">people</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When kids are taught to dislike, judge, or hate other people, cultures, countries, or religions, they have no defense against such horrid thinking. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Any type of hatred or judgment against others — but especially racism because it’s so easy to target someone visually this way — is child abuse because it gets planted in the brain of a vulnerable child. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">They aren’t equipped to question what they are being told. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">They learn a type of thinking, it becomes part of their thought and behavior patterns, and they go out into the world and replicate that ideology and attitude.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Hatred gets normalized and we see it all around us.</span></p>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Many people think it is perfectly fine to dislike people from another country. What??? Why would I hate someone who is otherwise </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">just like me</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> except for the continent they were born on (which, by the way, they had absolutely no choice in)? Should they grow up to hate their country because it’s not </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">my</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> country? Or should they grow up to hate </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">me</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> because of my great misfortune to be born in a country other than theirs?</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Try this exercise to see how hate works in our hearts:</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Take a few deep breaths and imagine this scenario: Someone see you. Your skin color is different from them. You speak a different language from them. You eat something different for breakfast than they do. </span><b>And they hate you for it. </b></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Imagine what that hatred must feel like in </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">their</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> heart. Put yourself in their body for a moment but </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">feel their feelings in your body.</span></i></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">How does their hatred feel in </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">your</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> heart when imagining it? Yucky, huh? Tight, painful, hard.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Now, feel in your body what it feels like to be hated (don’t </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">think</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> about it or how you’d respond to them, just FEEL what it’s like to be hated). Can you feel what their judgment does to your body? Do you feel safe? Is your brain affected? How is your heart?</span></p>
<p><b>Nobody wins when hate is involved.</b><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Not the hater or the hated.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Yet most people are taught that nationalism is just fine.</span></p>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Children repeat what they hear. It's how they learn to talk and — remember they have no filters —while this can sometimes be entertaining, it also shows how they can perpetuate harmful ideas without understanding them.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">You know that expression, "Kids say the darndest things?"</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Well, they do. They repeat what they hear, often out of context or with a mispronounced word that makes it adorable.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Sometimes what they’re repeating is not appropriate for their age but they don’t know that. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And sometimes, what they’re repeating should have never been said in the first place.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I was parking at the local Costco a few months ago and saw a truck parked near the front of the store. Across the back of the truck was a banner that said “Fuck Biden.”</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I imagined the freshly-minted 6-year-old reader sounding it out proudly for grandma. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Or the confusion it instilled in an 8-year-old who heard enough news to wonder what on earth the President had done to cause such hatred.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Maybe a kid saw the driver of the truck and they looked just like their favorite uncle. “Hmmm, yeah, maybe I should think like him, too,” without having any more understanding of the statement.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But mostly I wondered who the fuck thought it was okay to put that on their truck and drive around in public with it, innocent children be damned? Child abuse.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">(And in case you're wondering: If I saw a truck that said 'Fuck Trump" I'd think the same thing.)</span></p>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It’s true that much of human survival is based on detecting differences. It’s how our brain categorizes things to decide if they are safe, dangerous, or unknown based on past experience.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Our bodies are hard-wired to notice differences and pay attention to them.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But hating differences is something our minds conjured up. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Children have the ability to see inconsistencies, but they will often keep it to themselves. Or the spunky kid will say, "Hey wait, I saw one person that looks like someone you told me to hate, and they were really nice, but you told me they're all mean.”</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When kids get to the age where they can safely individuate from their parents, they still choose not to honor anything that goes against the values they’ve been taught. If they are well-conditioned and fearful, they are unlikely to say, "Wait a second, I'm seeing some flaws in your teaching."</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Even teenagers are afraid to stand out or confront a parent because their survival is still heavily dependent on that parent and the desire to belong. Peer pressure at its worst.</span></p>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can personally do to change all the hatred in the world. But I do know that if each individual becomes aware of this kind of abuse, and each family vows to end hate violence, it can be stopped.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If you work with families and children, consider how you can raise adults’ awareness of what they’re saying about others. Remind them that their children take their words as facts, and poisoning their minds with hatred is unfair and child abuse.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Of course, we first need to get hatred out of our hearts, language, and minds. We all have it because we’ve all learned it in our culture of othering. It will take some intentional practice to instead accept and be kind to people who are different from us (which is everyone). </span></p>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Don Miguel Ruiz, a Toltec teacher, said, "Be impeccable with your word" in his book The Four Agreements. That means to carefully curate what you speak to not cause harm to yourself or others. I attempt to do it everyday. I fail at it everyday. But my failed version is better than if I didn’t try at all.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We can all be more mindful of the things we say about others. And we can make sure our kids understand, as early as possible, that people say things that aren’t necessarily true. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When it comes to people having different opinions from yours, it’s inevitable. My stance is that, as long as no one is being harmed by someone’s opinion (i.e. they don’t force it on others or instill it in defenseless children), they are entitled to it. However, when someone wants their ideas or opinions to be institutionalized — made the only legal or available option — or used to make people feel unsafe or less valued than others, then it becomes harmful. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Then they are peddling oppression, which is cruel and dismissive of other people’s dignity and rights. Basically, hate. </span></p>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We see the spread of hate so much in the world today with grown people spewing verbal attacks on people they don’t agree with, or book bans that prevent kids from learning all the history so they can see how hate played out in the past. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">What kind of example does this set for children to learn about other people’s ways of being instead of attacking them for it?</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Why would anyone try to prevent learning about history when we know that if we don’t understand our history, we’re doomed to repeat it? </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Attacks and bans come from the same place: fear and moral weakness masquerading as power.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So does propagating hate.</span></p>
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	<p>If we poison children’s bodies with toxins, that is child abuse.</p>
<p>If we're poisoning their minds with hate, that is child abuse as well.</p>
<p>So let's do better. I hope you join me in that.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">***</p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If you’d like help creating more mindfulness, love, and compassion in your home or work  <a href="https://carriekenner.hbportal.co/schedule/68e959331b5ff500218b5ff0" target="_blank" rel="noopener">schedule a free call</a> to see how I can support you.</span></p>
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		<post-id xmlns="com-wordpress:feed-additions:1">2058</post-id>	</item>
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		<title>Getting Started and Finding My Voice</title>
		<link>https://carriekenner.com/2024/02/04/getting-started-as-a-doula/</link>
					<comments>https://carriekenner.com/2024/02/04/getting-started-as-a-doula/#respond</comments>
		
		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Carrie Kenner]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Mon, 05 Feb 2024 07:54:15 +0000</pubDate>
				<category><![CDATA[Birth]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Business]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Human nature]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Parenthood]]></category>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">https://carriekenner.com/?p=1918</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[This is my journey of finding my voice in a society that silences women, starting with my mother's subtle but unsuccessful rebellion. How do you bring an idea to life if your passions are silenced? Dedicated to my mom. &#160; My mom was born in 1929, when women weren't known for having their voices heard.&#8230;]]></description>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">This is my journey of finding my voice in a society that silences women, starting with my mother's subtle but unsuccessful rebellion.</span></p>
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	<p><em><strong>Dedicated to my mom.</strong></em></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">My mom was born in 1929, when women weren't known for having their voices heard.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">While she was no exception, she did find a way to express herself through music.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">My mom was an extremely accomplished violinist, and she used her music career to forge a different path from most women in those days.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">She left home and got a degree in music. She got a sexy little sports car and traveled even further away to work. She supported herself — and, I dare say — had quite a bit of fun along the way.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">She met my dad when she was 28 and he was a 39-year-old divorcee with a teenage daughter — scandalous! — and they quickly had my sister and me. She was very late starting a family in that era.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Even though she was late to motherhood by 1960 standards, she was a pretty hip mom. Cat-eye glasses, capri pants, two-piece bathing suits, a musician, and actor in the community theater. She also made a mean batch of peanut butter cookies.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But she was also pathologically non-confrontational. It came with the territory. Her favorite motto:</span></p>
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		<div class="fl-testimonial"><h3><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."</span></i></h3></div>			</div>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Growing up as a girl in the 1960s, I wasn’t much better off than my mom. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I, too, was quiet and obedient. My natural gift — and favorite pastime — was watching people.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">In school, I was the ideal because of my quietness and ability to go with the flow. And of course, not saying anything if I didn't have anything nice to say</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So when did I find my voice, and how?</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">In high school, I met a young man who became my partner for 10 years and the father of my first two children.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">He exposed me to information about the African diaspora.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">He introduced me to Malcolm X, Stokely Carmichael, Marcus Garvey, and other incredible voices of Black activists of the day.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I was assigned a book report in my history class: choose a historical figure and prepare a presentation on them for the class.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I chose Harriet Tubman.</span></p>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">"She’s not a historical figure," my history teacher said.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">"Yeah, she is," I argued. I had started to find my voice and was determined to share the new information I was learning about.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I had that opportunity at dinner one night with my family. My dad was discussing something he'd seen on the news and said presidents should always be revered. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Jabbing my finger, I shouted, "No, they don’t! Did you know Thomas Jefferson owned slaves?!"</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">My dad looked at me...and started laughing.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">He thought that my passion was amusing, or frivolous. Like a plaything.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I lost my voice.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But I know now that when you silence people, their words, thoughts, and ideas don't go away.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">They just go inside. Underground. Like Harriet.</span></p>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Inside, those ideas often gestate into new forms; they grow and evolve. Sometimes, they sleep for so long they die. But often, they’re just biding their time, feeding off the bile and getting stronger.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">For me, that silencing is when my body went looking for a microphone, for a way to express what was gestating inside of me, to amplify the injustices that I'd been seeing since I was a five-year-old kid.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I fed my monster feminist literature and books by Black authors like James Baldwin, Richard Wright, and Ntozake Shange. I feasted off these voices who had such important things to say.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I can’t believe we’re still debating the truth of their voices today.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">While expanding my ideas and finding my voice, something else was growing inside of me — strong desire to be a mother.</span></p>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I’d wanted to be a mother — like seriously wanted to have a baby — since I was 14. I graduated when I was 16, went to art school (the way I’d found to express myself, even though I didn't know that’s what I was doing), got a job, turned 18, and said, “Okay, now I’m old enough to have a baby.”</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Because of the reading I'd been doing by activists and feminists, I decided I would have my baby at home.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It was 1979, and homebirth was less popular than it is now (about 1% of people give birth out of the hospital today). But I persevered and found midwives. Our son was born just before noon on a sunny day in June 1980 in the upstairs bedroom of our apartment, surrounded by 5 midwives, our moms, my best friend, and my partner’s little sister.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">That picture above is the moment I got started as a doula. That is when I felt the passion for what I do today. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I had no idea how transforming the experience of birth would be. At that moment, I felt I could do anything, an experience that has served me well for the rest of my life. Anytime I'm in a predicament or question my ability to accomplish something, endure something, or figure something out, I remember that I made a human being and brought him into the world on my terms.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Immediately, I wanted to bring that same sense of empowerment my midwives gave me to others. They believed in me long before I did and planted a seed that took 20 years to grow.</span></p>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">In 2000, I heard about doulas. In 2001, I became one. By 2004, I was training doulas.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">My mom attended a few hours of one of my doula trainings to see me “in action.” At the end, she stood up and said, "You may not believe this, but my little Carrie used to be the quietest little girl. She never had anything to say. She'd never cause any problems. So when I see her standing up here today, totally in her element, so articulate and knowledgeable, she has found her voice. And I am so proud."</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I was pretty damn proud, too.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The next year, I was invited to speak about the benefits of doulas to medical students at Oregon Health Sciences University. The lecture was on my mom's birthday, so I took her to Portland with me. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The auditorium was filled with hundreds of medical students. And there was my mom in the front row. I think she would have been beaming if she wasn’t so gobsmacked. How could her “quiet, little Carrie” be standing here in front of medical students and teaching them about doulas?"</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">My mom was my biggest fan, telling all her friends about doulas and talking to anyone who’d listen about the benefits of having a doula. She also seemed to attract doulas to her, striking up a conversation with a stranger and finding out within a few sentences that they were a doula.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">"Do you know my daughter, Carrie Kenner?"</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">"Yeah, she was my trainer.” Or “Oh yes, I know her very well."</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">My mom couldn't wait to call and tell me about the newest doula she had run into or the latest doula convert she had made.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So my mom believed in me — even when my dad laughed at me — and she supported me in finding my voice.</span></p>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I am known for my ability to manifest things. So I want to tell you about the process I use to bring an idea into existence.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It always starts with just a thought.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I had an idea about a book report that I wanted to write.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I imagined becoming a mother.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I dreamt about helping people find empowerment through birth.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">These are all just concepts, stuff in the mind, nothing tangible.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But when you work with those thoughts, more clearly-formed ideas come.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Then, you must speak them out loud. Saying your ideas — to another person, the universe, or a non-human — activates them. This is the difference between a prayer you say in your head and one that is spoken. When you put your ideas to words, their energy starts to coalesce and spread. You honor them with your breath and tongue.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Then, the words become action. The energy of the idea has transformed from thought, to word, to becoming embodied. Now, you’re doing something with it, making it tangible, bringing it to life.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Every time you speak your intention, every time you honor it with action, you are calling in the universe to assist you. You aren’t doing it alone; you’re working with all these other energies to turn your notion, this passion, into something beautiful in your life.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When were the moments that a seed was planted in you that turned into something huge, impactful, meaningful, and defining for you?</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We must grab onto those moments, even when we don't know where they'll take us.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When I was sitting there holding my newborn baby, I wasn't thinking, "I'm gonna be a doula someday and I’m going to train doulas and become a business coach for doulas."</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">All I knew was: I could do anything.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I’ll be exploring these themes over the next few months. I hope you'll come along with me. </span></p>
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	<h2 style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://carriekenner.ck.page/emaillist" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="color: #ea8400;">Sign up for my email list to receive all the updates.</span></a></h2>
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		<title>Families: The Training Ground for Small Humans</title>
		<link>https://carriekenner.com/2023/12/04/families/</link>
		
		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Carrie Kenner]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Mon, 04 Dec 2023 19:58:19 +0000</pubDate>
				<category><![CDATA[Human nature]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Parenthood]]></category>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">https://carriekenner.com/?p=1464</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[Note: The author is well aware of the range of dysfunction within families. This blog post intends to focus only on the phenomenon of families as “first teachers,” not on the content — supportive or destructive — that is being taught to children. The reader can extrapolate the profound impact of both helpful behaviors and&#8230;]]></description>
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	<p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Note: The author is well aware of the range of dysfunction within families. This blog post intends to focus only on the phenomenon of families as “first teachers,” not on the content — supportive or destructive — that is being taught to children. The reader can extrapolate the profound impact of both helpful behaviors and harmful ones on the developing mind, body, and psyche of a child, and the long-lasting effects of abusive family dynamics. A future blog post will delve into intergenerational trauma as a result of this phenomenon, and offer avenues to prevent and heal family-generated trauma.</span></i></p>
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		<span class="fl-heading-text">Why I Think Families Are <em>Really</em> Important<br /></span>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We hear all the time about the importance of families.  </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Family members stress, “We must stick together; blood is thicker than water” and all that... </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Elders share stories of long-gone ancestors in hopes of keeping memories and legacies alive...</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Politicians spout rhetoric on how their programs will support families, or at least family values as they define them...</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Social service agencies promise to keep families together as the ultimate goal. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I think about the importance of families in a different light, though.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The impact of family is much more profound than a motto or sentiment.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Families are actually “first teachers,” modeling and showing children how to move through life.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">A family is literally the place where babies and children learn how to be human.</span></p>
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		<span class="fl-heading-text">Babies Know Nothing About Being Human</span>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It has innate reactions and reflexes that enable it to find the breast, lift its head, crawl, and suckle.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Babies can do these basic things to keep themselves alive.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And then, as they start observing what's around them and notice their surroundings and how the people around them behave, they develop their neural pathways for human behavior.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Humans have mirror neurons that allow us to copy what we're seeing. So, for the first few years of a person's life, they learn from the people around them how to behave, what to do, what to say, and how to react to situations.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">All these behaviors and reactions are programmed pre-verbally, which means they are not stored in the conscious part of the brain. In later years, someone cannot recall how they learned specific speech patterns, food preferences, or facial expressions. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Babies learn so much, so fast, and it’s all planted deep inside their minds </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">and</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> bodies at a subconscious level.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As a child becomes verbal, the left part of their brain — the logical part — starts to kick in.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Though young children won’t be able to reason for many years, they start to develop the </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">capacity</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> to reason.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Reasoning is so critical in this process of becoming a human because that is how we can look at the behaviors, patterns, and values we learned and get curious about them.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If we have the insight to observe them, to wonder, “Hmm, why do I do that? Why do my parents do that? Why do my </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">grandparents</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> do that...” we can start seeing familial patterns.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But I’m getting ahead of myself. The ability to reason isn’t going to happen for many years yet.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Kids start to develop the skills for logic and reason when they’re elementary school age when they’re learning math and writing.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">During this time, they are also being influenced by others around them — other kids or teachers if they go to school, or by TV or books or other media.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">They see how other families do things.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">They start to see other ways to be human.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But most very young children will continue to do what they learned in their family of origin. Young children have a built-in instinct to conform in order to belong and stay safe (you’ll learn why in a moment).  </span></p>
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		<span class="fl-heading-text">The Teenage Years<br /></span>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When people get into their teenage years, the very important </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">individuation</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> process happens.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Individuation is when we start to see ourselves as unique individuals, recognize and flex our autonomy, and form our own ideas and opinions.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We begin the process of discernment. “Huh, when I was a child, I learned X, Y, and Z. I was explicitly told X, Y, and Z, but other things were implied, or I deduced them by looking at what was going on around me.”</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">All children learn these things:</span></p>
<blockquote><p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">We do this in our family, but we don’t do that. </span></i></p>
<p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Moms/women do these things; dads/men do those things. </span></i></p>
<p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">These people are good; those people are dangerous/not to be trusted/bad.</span></i></p></blockquote>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">These are what I call the black-and-white “rules of engagement” we learn to navigate the world. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Because children are too young to reason or think about these things critically, they gobble it all down hook, line, and sinker.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But in the teenage years, we start to wonder. “I thought XYZ is the way it is, but I just saw something that showed me the complete opposite.”</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And now they’re at a crossroads.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Now, they have to decide if they want to keep believing their old rule or not.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And the thing is, </span><b>there are big stakes at play!</b></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If a child stops believing something their family believes, they risk being ostracized. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">They rely on their family to feel taken care of, safe, and protected. If they don’t go along with the status quo, they are vulnerable. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">All humans have an innate sense of the risk of vulnerability and the importance of </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">belonging</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> for our safety. That's one of the reasons young children are so easily manipulated. Not only do they not have reason to think things through, but they also have a very strong need to do what everyone else around them is doing so that they fit in, belong, and be taken care of.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Now, back to the teenagers...</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Even teenagers, who are quite capable of doing many things to take care of themselves, aren’t safe alone in the world or able to support themselves.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But they are starting to try out different ideas, make other choices, do things differently from their family or peers, and have some sense of having agency or at least being able to defend their ideas.</span></p>
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		<span class="fl-heading-text">Why Holiday Dinner Can Suck<br /></span>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As those teenagers age into adulthood and leave home for college, work, and to take care of themselves independently in the world, they can really make changes in their ideology that might differ from their family.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And that's why Thanksgivings can be so tenuous: you never know what kind of opinions will show up around the table.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So when I think about the importance of families, I think about this process of </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">becoming human </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">and how we learn it from our family of origin. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We all know we don’t have a choice about our family members. We are stuck with them for the most part until we individuate. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">People flip out if we start to question our family’s fundamental rules of engagement — those deep core values of how to be a good human.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Most people don’t know where their beliefs and behavior patterns came from. Because those rules and values run deep, most people aren’t aware of how they inherited them. They do what they’ve always done and don’t question it. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If someone starts poking around their inner psyche, looking at their family values with scrutiny, it can be really threatening to those who are humming along with the status quo.</span></p>
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		<span class="fl-heading-text">The Power to Change and Heal Families<br /></span>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When I work with families, I ask them to do an inventory of their beliefs, values, and rules of engagement:</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">What do you want to keep or maintain from your family of origin?</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">What do you want to shift?</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">How will you do that?</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I have an amazing story about delving into my family lineage so I could break a pattern that had plagued us for centuries. I needed to understand what had happened to my ancestors so I could heal it.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I went on a retreat to explore and commune with my ancestors. I learned their stories, understood when and how the break happened, and drew a line in the sand, saying, “It's stopping here, with this generation.”</span><span style="font-weight: 400;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But to do that work, I had to understand deeply this process of becoming a human. I had to uncover the family patterns, make new choices, and communicate what I’d learned to the rest of my family. I told them, “We're not going to do this anymore.”</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">This is the power of understanding how we learn to be human. </span></p>
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	<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When you know how this process works, you can learn and embrace your family — with all its beauty and faults — for what they have done for you and also to make different choices for yourself.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It's an incredible opportunity.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Family love, choosing awareness, facing family patterns, and knowing you have the power to change them — though it may take a bit of work — will make you a more expansive, compassionate human being.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">That is what I wish for us all.</span></p>
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		<post-id xmlns="com-wordpress:feed-additions:1">1464</post-id>	</item>
		<item>
		<title>How We Learn</title>
		<link>https://carriekenner.com/2023/11/12/how-we-learn-doula-training/</link>
					<comments>https://carriekenner.com/2023/11/12/how-we-learn-doula-training/#respond</comments>
		
		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Carrie Kenner]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Mon, 13 Nov 2023 07:55:53 +0000</pubDate>
				<category><![CDATA[Human nature]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Parenthood]]></category>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">https://carriekenner.com/?p=1389</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[I’ve been thinking lately about how humans learn. I've always been interested in learning and teaching. When I was a kid, I would play school for hours. I loved school and did really well, in large part becuase I was the perfect candidate for the U.S.-based educational system: I was white, I was a girl,&#8230;]]></description>
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	<p>I’ve been thinking lately about how humans learn.</p>
<p>I've always been interested in learning and teaching. When I was a kid, I would play school for hours.</p>
<p>I loved school and did really well, in large part becuase I was the perfect candidate for the U.S.-based educational system: <em>I was white, I was a girl, and I was conditioned by 1960s culture to be quiet and do what I was told.</em></p>
<p>I did so well in school that my first-grade teacher asked me to help her grade the other kids’ papers in class. And she asked me to be the flower girl at her wedding!</p>
<p>My second-grade teacher recommended that I skip the third grade, which I did.</p>
<p>By the time I was 14, I was figuring out how to get extra credits and graduate when I was 16.</p>
<p>I studied psychology, sociology, anthropology, biology, and neuroscience. All these things helped me understand how people work and why they behave the way they do.</p>
<p><em>And here's what I discovered:</em></p>
<p><strong>There are very unique ways that we gain knowledge.</strong></p>
<p><strong>Inherent or innate knowledge</strong> - These are the things our bodies know to do without us “knowing” how to do them, or thinking or learning about them. There’s no mental or cognitive awareness. It’s how our heart beats, how we breathe, our digestion, growing a baby, and giving birth. External factors, such as stress, diet, toxins, cultural conditioning, and personal belief systems, can influence and impact these things. However, our bodies still do them without having to think about it.</p>
<p><strong>Spiritual “gifts”</strong> – These are qualities or traits we are born with that come from beyond our physical being, often referred to as “gifts” or, as Michael Meade refers to them: fate or destiny. Not in the sense of karma or lack of agency, but rather how to express our purpose in a lifetime.</p>
<p>He suggests that, instead of meeting St. Peter at the pearly gates to have our list of sins or good deeds inventoried, we simply ask ourselves, “Did you fulfill your destiny?” And if you answer no, it's not that you go to hell. It's just that you have to reckon with that and carry a huge burden into the afterlife.</p>
<p><strong>Preverbal learning</strong> – These are the things we learn how to do before we have words or reason. We learn language, how to walk, how people interact and behave together. It’s how we determine what we like and don't like, the cultural norms and family expectations around us, and how to be a human in society. Preverbal learning is the deepest, most foundational way we learn how to be in the world because it gets set in our preverbal subconscious. It sets the basis for the belief systems that form our future ways of being.</p>
<p><strong>Intergenerational</strong> – And then there's intergenerational learning. This is a new one. A study was done with rats where the researchers emitted a specific odor in the rats’ environment. Whenever that odor was emitted, the rats got an electrical shock. This was done for an extended period so that, even when the rats were no longer being shocked, when that odor was emitted, the rats would still shudder as if they were being shocked.</p>
<p>Then, those rats had baby rats. When the baby rats were exposed to that odor, they would also shudder even though they weren't being shocked. Other rats that weren't the offspring of the original shocked rats didn't respond in that way.</p>
<p>Even rats conceived with the sperm of the shocked male rats, or birthed by the female shocked rats had those same reactions.</p>
<p>Then, those baby rats matured and had their own babies. The “grandchildren” rats also had the same reaction; even though none of those last two generations of rats were exposed to the electrical shocks, they still acted as if they were.</p>
<p>I don’t know if these intergenerational learnings fall in the <em>inherent</em> or the <em>preverbal</em> category of learning, but what scientists are starting to understand is that we learn things <strong>pre-conception</strong> as well as <strong>prenatally</strong> or in utero, from our environment during gestation.</p>
<p><strong>Formal</strong> – No we arrive at the most common understanding of learning, which is formal learning. This is where we learn things like reading, writing, and arithmetic.</p>
<p>Formal learning is done in school or from books, and it is what most of us think of when we think of learning.</p>
<p><strong>Observational</strong> – But keep in mind that there weren’t always schools. Humans learned historically through observation and stories. They observed the cycles of the moon or the seasons. They watched how others did things when they wanted to learn something new.</p>
<p>No one sat a child down and taught them how to do a specific task. Children were expected to watch closely and try it on their own, and they might receive supervision and guidance. It was a built-in version of the apprenticeship model.</p>
<p>I was very keen on observation. So much so that when I was four, I learned how to read just by observing what my sister was learning in kindergarten.</p>
<p>And I've used observational learning to watch what other people do in situations. Sometimes, I feel like a chameleon, quickly taking on the behaviors and actions of others so I can figure out how to get things done or what to do in a certain situation. Observation has helped me expand the way that I am in the world.</p>
<p>And that's part of my story of how I became a doula.</p>
<p>I watched what my midwives did for me. Then I did that for my friends.</p>
<p>Eventually, I took more formal trainings and learned how to be a teacher of adults. After 20 years of teaching, I consider myself a masterful teacher.</p>
<p>Two of the most important things I learned about being a teacher came from Pam England, the author of <em>Birthing from Within</em>, who taught me how to teach with stories. And Paulo Freire, the author of <em>Pedagogy of the Oppressed</em>, taught me about how to create self-determined learning for adults based on their desires and needs.</p>
<p>Both of these methods are the exact opposite of what we usually get in formal school. Instead of filling one's brain with facts or transferring the knowledge from one brain to another, we're really entering into a relationship with the learner to find out what motivates them and what they actually need to know and want to know.</p>
<p><strong>Which learning styles do we use to become a doula?</strong></p>
<p>Some say being a doula is innate. It's a gift one is born with. People who have the gift don't even realize that other people <em>don't</em> have it because being doula-like is just the way they are in the world.</p>
<p>They're naturally empathetic, helpful, kind, compassionate, comfortable being hands-on, and calm in intimate and stressful situations.</p>
<p><em>They have a gift for being with people and being comforting and soothing.</em></p>
<p>Other doulas learn through observation like I did. They watch other people do it. They go to a birth where a doula is present and say, ‘Ooh, I want to do that.’ Or they shadow another doula and learn by watching what that doula does so they can become one, too.</p>
<p>But most people go the formal route. They take a doula training</p>
<p>For decades, there has been an ongoing debate about in-person versus online training. My own beliefs have evolved over the years. Initially, I was in the camp that believed one had to attend an in-person training to learn how to be a doula. That’s because students had to learn hands-on skills, and I had to be there to “check” what they were doing.</p>
<p>Over time, though, I started to realize that we need a lot more doulas, and not every doula can take the time or afford the money or travel to get to an in-person training.</p>
<p>My doula training used to cost $800. Students had to come to an all-day class once a week for seven weeks, or to a class five days in a row. That just wasn't feasible for a whole lot of people.</p>
<p>And let's face it, <strong>the world needs a whole lot of doulas.</strong></p>
<p>So, I started to let people to attend my doula training via Zoom in 2016. Then I started to put some of the curriculum into online modules. In 2018, I created an entire online doula training and it worked really well.</p>
<p>And then the pandemic happened.</p>
<p>And all the doula trainers who previously said it couldn't/shouldn't be done went online! Ironically, I didn't want to teach only online, so I stopped.</p>
<p>I spent a couple of years diving deep into marketing and writing, and traveled around the country in my campervan. And when I came back, I realized I'm not done.</p>
<p>But I've also slowed down. I'm not interested in spending all day in a classroom or long hours on Zoom.</p>
<p>I can provide training that is inexpensive and accessible to many more people by putting it all online. Win win!</p>
<p>Thinking about how we learn best is crucial — for ourselves when learning new skills, and for how we do our work and interact with others.</p>
<p>How do you best learn yourself? How do others want to receive information?</p>
<p>There are many styles of learning, many teaching methods, so much neurodiversity, and multiple perspectives that open up the options to meet the needs of everyone. And it's such a great time to do that now.</p>
<p>I hope you've learned some new things about how humans learn. And reflected a bit about how you learn and how you might teach others.</p>
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